I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
