all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
