by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
