He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
