Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
