I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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