How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
