Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
