my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
