My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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