theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So much rum. So many feels.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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