I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
