My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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