Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Is it because I queefed?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
