So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
