You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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