Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
