Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
