i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
