I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
