Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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