Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
