Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
