something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
