Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
