It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You may now shotgun with the bride
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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