doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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