im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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