He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
