If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
