At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
