the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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