He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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