it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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