I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
