I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
