I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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