There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
