I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
