My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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