I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Randomize
