worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
