Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Too much gin, very little bucket
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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