can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
