he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I fill condoms, not promises.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize