Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
