Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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