my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
