The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
