You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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