How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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