i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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