Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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