did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Randomize
