The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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