Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
