i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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