my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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