Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
