I need to stop coming to work sober
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
