Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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