I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
