i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
