I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
