Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
